Foster girlfriend?

Hey guys… long tine no talk , i know I know it’s Been so long but life definitely has been working me and now I’m here. Now let’s me start by saying with everything going on my email is always open , I’m always open and willing to help with what I can. Now on to this term that ran that I ran across ” foster girlfriend ” … basically it’s a term for women who build up men in romantic situations that are no where Near beneficial to them selfs … STOP THAT SHIT ! We do not owe men or anyone for that matter our emotional work ! Now that shoe fits all genders so chill but let’s be real many folks enter your life who are broken and it’s frankly not your job to fix anyone but your self . Now with that being said the down sides of “fosters relationships” is you have poured so much of your self and now you have zero pay out you are emotional drained when it ends .. see how I said how and not when ? Cuz it always ends .. these people are not ready to love or don’t speak your love language and that’s ok but you still don’t have to ” teach ” or foster anyone to build them to be a better person. I say that as someone who is constantly in this dumb situation … it’s never worth it , love is a two way street… it will never be 50/50 some days are 80/20 , 40/60 but you will constantly be filling each other up . Now someone who knows me personally will say ” how are you single if you know all this ?” First off mind your business lol , second its cuz I’m always tweaking things with my self and hoping I meet or have my match and just don’t realize it yet . Anyways guys as I end this please remember a few things

Black lives matter

I’m no professional just someone who has seen some shit and just wants to pass on things to help others hurt less

Black mental health matters because it’s ok to not be ok all the time

I love you guys 🥰

I won’t go out with out a fight

The good die young I was never a model that I ever want to listen to but the neighborhood I am from it seem to be true. Now I am not one to front or anybody and keep the fact that I grew up in the hood… the hood! I have worked extremely hard to bring myself back from that situation and to never look back if I ever can prevent it .I’ve worked very hard to make a road for my children to not have to grow up in such a life, and if you ever think of the poverty that I grew up in in a single-parent household wheree my mother busted her ass to make ends meet ..You be shocked. on the other hand still bust my ass as a single parent. Now every day that I wake up I have to remind myself that I am not living necessarily in a new life, I didn’t change who I was but I did change and grow from the person that was once abused. And days I think about this it’s strange it’s like watching my own life through a movie when I think about my past trauma but that’s also just away from my brain to kind of sort it all and still function I get that but there still this thing in my mind that I don’t know if I’m being too cautious or I am just paranoid. neither of the two are true at all I’m not paranoid at all. Only me and my attacker of the ones that I honestly know what happened to the situations I’ve never asked anybody to sit here and listen to me and take everything that I say as word or the Bible you’re allowed to wrap your head around and take the situation as best as possible I knew how it was gonna be my attacker brainwash me and gaslighting me for years before I left they told me nobody would believe me and I was prepared for that and he told me that if I said all these things that you guys will go against me and we will be divided I was ready for that I was prepared or knew better ,I knew I would lose my friends , before I’d get any of them and I knew for a very long time until one of us for 6 feet under I never feel safe ever. they even tell you in court this protective order is just a piece of paper it does not protect you from anything other than yourself. How fucked up is it there victims are never safe victims Are never listened to fully until we are either staring down the barrel of a gun or sitting in intensive care a worse. I promise myself and my children along time ago that I would not go out without a fight that’s it ! I’ve proved that time after time is such a wild ride that we have to deal with as survivors .it’s like we are survivors isn’t that supposed to be the type of glory but everything we should cherish know we split it like a cost of living , life or death .. the type of fear. We watch our backs we think of every step four times ahead it’s weird.

Air b n b for broken folks

Yes yes , it’s my heart the fucking air b n b for broken hearts and folks , people with shit are drawn to me . Gift and a curse , I always want to help , be available, be love that I have yet to find .. but where does that leave me. I’m the open house of love and warmth left cold and empty all the time . Who takes care of the care takers ? Who mends the wounds of the emotional healers . When tine dies dr love check in and service those patients ? Cuz bitch I’m waiting … I’m waiting to be healed and loved ! Don’t you dare come with that weak ass ” you gotta love and heal your self before you can be loved ” bullshit cuz the record of my heart tells a different story! The list of folks my heart and womb have healed is long .. the time I’ve spent fixing folks for other folks like a love repair shop is bullshit.. I’ve fixed more folks then Apple has phones , do you hear me ? Can i close up shop and take a holiday now?

You care about yourself ?

Hey what’s up guys , I’m doing some strange soul searching and dating ( Insert blinking man gif ) and whoooo Chile the ghetto. I’ve noticed that I am hella tough and not In a good way ! Your girl has this wall up and baby is stopping the love bag ( insert meme of some one holding a bag filled with hearts ) . I am standing in the way of my self a not cuz I don’t cade but because I care too dam much lol . I keep picking apart my self and it’s not self care is destruct . Also y’all I’ve noticed that who you keep around you maters , I’ve had “friends ” who aided me in self destruction and basically ruined relationships I wanted cuz they are lonely .now I ain’t passing a single drop of blame cuz I can ruin a lot on my own but shit when are we gonna say to each other that this mess gotta stop .

Pride over people

What’s up to my family and yes I mean you guys cuz this is your safe place as much as it is mine. So pull up a seat and let me talk , one I’m sorry I’ve been so neglectful lately and I need to apologize for that, I left the door open forgetting that some of you come here to vent, for yourselves to understand that other people are like you and I haven’t been here. I’m sorry , with that Being said I am human, I have been dealing with so much and so many different things that I myself need to take a break and channel my energy elsewhere. I knew when starting this blog that people would somewhat depend on me and I wanted that, I wanted people to know that this was their safe place and that we could all come here. that you should be able to have someone to be able to talk about our problems and not feel strange. I want to people that look like me i.e. black people to know that we were not alone in this struggle that society has made for us.

Now to my point I don’t with a lot, My personal struggles took Over my blog ,over my happiness and here I am now pouring out to you guys that I need you guys as much as you need me! it’s strange I always get messages and emails saying that you came across my blog and you’re so happy that I’m here to say this, that you wish that I had more outlets where you could reach out and stuff like.that Ive listened and I ran across things and I’ve made a list and I have thought of the best non/Influencer millennial Way to put this out for you guys.

Now with that being said know I’m still here, I’m still very readable and I will never stop being reachable I will be now posting content every Wednesday every Saturday and a few other days this will be my start.

I will be dropping another blog tonight after this one 🥰 thank you for staying with me

When breathing is all you can do

Hi all I wanted to apologize for my absence. I had to put my personal life before my “work” life . You all are my work and love , and sadly my time had came. You wen they say all of the monsters we are afraid we must face to win ? Well I did I faced my attacker again ,my child faced her attacker and I had to be the fighter for us both . I allowed the past and the present to hold my life still, in wad living in the day ,I wouldn’t make plans past the day of court . I had let fear and depression hold me by the throat . My life was slowly crumbling and I could feel it but didn’t know how to stop it. I wont sit up here and lie to you and say I had this fancy ass New Years resolution , I said if you go realistic then bitch your cant go wrong and that’s exactly what i did . I have simple goals , getting me and my children a passport, going on vacation,take better care of my self, the normal, i knew better if i push my self the wrong way I’ll be home and make nothing of this year.and couldn’t keep living this way . I wasn’t doing my self a service, i wanted to take the confidence i felt deep in side and grow it but this fear told me you didn’t have it . Ha , how we tell our selfs what we don’t have yet we have it all. I had to tell my self stfu and live , my friends had to keep pushing me , I had to keep pushing me and remember that it folks out here with less that are doing ore then me and I couldn’t let my self down! I know we all come to these cross roads of what we could be doing and what she should be doing but how many what’s are we doing have you said . I noticed that I’m in school, working full time , setting up a YouTube channel, taking care of three kids and trying to put together an app. Honey that list is long and I should carry this pride , I should have myb head held to the gated of heaven but society tells me I’m to enough , well boy fuck you to society and when breathing is all in can do I’ll still stand strong.

Black girl depression is different * trigger waring *

So hey don’t shoot me but it is , let’s honestly look at this. When I was depressed and struggling with wanting to leave I had to have this “I got shit to do ” mentality . My therapist who yes is black taught me that you are allowed to be suicidal and not want to commit suicide , it’s the I have shit to do mind set, yes life would be better with out my and maybe I’m a burden but I can’t leave because who going to take care of the folks I carry . We as black women have this fear that if we ask for help that one of. Tow things will happen 1) we will be staring at a white wall wrapped up ( committed ) orrrr some will take our kids and deem us unfit . Now I have seen white women get to be In Touch with their mental health and nit be judged , now me I was forced into therapy for postpartum after truthfully answering a after labor survey ( I was threaten to have my children taken while I asked for a referral ) now it took me

One suicide attempt (we will talk about that another day)

3 therapist (all fails until I met my new one , god sent )

To get to the point where I can use my wounds to help y’all so my starting advice for 2019

Love you , flaws and everything what you don’t like dwell fix it or accept it

The best thing about depression is we have to come up from the down

Seek help , this is part of my therapy but not all

Be gentle with you, life is hard but you are harder

Self care , self care , selfie care

So y’all I’m going to end this please remember that I’m always an email away and here help where I can 🖤

Am I making you uncomfortable?

Why, do you think it not bothers me ? Why must I , why must we whisper the things that happened to us. We must hold inside all the things we see and know for fear of making you feel strange . Shit let me tell you ,the days when I’m uncomfortable it’s like a rattling in my body that I can’t open up to fix . It a humming in my head that doesn’t stop but remind me of the nights I spent alone crying . My uncomfortable is wanting to peeling my skin off when someone has touched me wrong or took me to a place where this new me doesn’t live . Why do this make you uncomfortable , me yelling how I am no longer that broken girl on the floor broken and beaten . Do hear me that person died with that relationship and shoe can’t come back so I’ll be dammed if I hide my love for my self now . I’m screaming form the top you might of broken me then but try that shit now ! I am a force , I am a spirt that can not be broken , I am the rose who grew from the concrete and be came your favorite garden . So again is my growth making you uncomfortable…..

Update

So many of you know me personally or follow me on social media with that being said you know I’ve been threw done shit in the past 6 month . I have been in this horrible downward spiral of depression that I just knew I was going to die from and I told not a single soul . Now a few of y’all are like why wouldn’t you of all people reach out for help ? Well guys I am a helper but getting help is not my strong fault , see I

Think that I am a burden

I much rather help others than my self

I throw so much energy and emotion into being a people pleaser that I leave noting for my damn self

Now that I’ve unpacked all this to you I am seeking help , so what does that mean be gentle with me , love me through this and around this . Thank you for allowing me to fall this far

Hiding in plain sight

Have you ever had to hide , not like fully hide like a child but track your every step and remember to take different ways? To not know who really here to help you or just a listening ear sent by your attacker ? Have you ever been woken up by the dream where you can’t breath , you know maybe your drowning or his hands are around your next on that cold floor once again ? Have you ever sat up and night counting your failures, they aren’t really fails but lessons that you needed to learn so you could grown but your Brian is wondering who going to turn next ? Have you ever been hiding in pain sight ?